Noelaniah's profilePie-eyed ostrich on toas...BlogListsGuestbookMore  |  Tools Help |
|
December 30 changingNew year, new theme. still not happy with it though- more changes to come. Also looking for a new pseudonym, so herman shall be no more December 22 Seagulls: Mafioso's of the birdie worldThey squawk, they flap, they masquerade as 'just any other bird', but look closer; hidden well beneath that feathery veneer lies something sinister, something that one would never have believed of those innocent little rascals who beg a chip from you down the beach. Sit down, prepare yourself, this news will come as a shock: Seagulls are really con artists- scammers of the highest degree. All this was revealed to me upon close and laboured inspection of an organised mob of aforesaid conniving criminal creatures (namely during about eight minutes on my lunch break as i scoffed lunch) still the epiphany was profound. Consider it my friends (if that is not too presumptuous) : what other animal pretends to be injured in order to scab food? "oh, look at me, one legged bird over here, feel sorry for me, I've only one leg" scores a chip, bam, suddenly he whips out the other leg and the perfectly alright bird flies off into the sunset to try his tricks on another unsuspecting victim. Seagulls are what's wrong with todays society: I am absolutely positive this is how dodgy compensation claims came into being. Someone saw this unethical behaviour and thought, 'man, if that bird can pretend to be injured for rewards, then so can I.'Also, now consider the intimidation tactics employed by the species, both to other members of their birdie gangs and even to humans; the hand that feeds them, more often than not. They go after each other viciously, flapping and arching up and pecking just to keep their own piece of the action in pursuit of a morsel. Suppose you're not moving fast enough for their liking, you have to unwrap something for instance or you are simply contemplating (*gasp*) not giving them anything, they will verbally harangue you, even going so far as to eye you with that malevolent stare as if to say" I know where you park your car lady, and you don't move quick enough there wont be a poop free centimetre to speak of."
Think about it people: dodgy compo claims, intimidation and fear tactics and even blackmail all stem from these fighty, feathered fiends. They must be stopped, and quickly! The threat is imminent; who knows when they will stop being content with the odd chip and go after Russia? Who knows?! December 07 Mustard and the Jam-jarColonel Mustard tucked into the Chinese food with gusto, as did the influential cockroach reclining on the potato beside him, a valued member of the IUN (Insect United Nations; the Japanese cockroaches are waterbombing rats for "research" purposes). They had both had a hard day at the office and were content just to bask in the warm glow of each others presence and some hearty serves of chicken chow mein. They each proceed to tell the other about the days goings on, occasionally lapsing into relaxed laughter and trailing off into a comfortable, contented silence (imagine them together, laughing quietly, bathed in soft light emmitted from some low setting lamsnearby; your perfect quiet night in, maybe some Bach playing quietly in the background). The cockroach was in the middle of recounting one such anecdote whence and wherupon the pumpkin they had taken up residence in bagan to tremble, then to tremor then to even (whats the next degree of tremble.... ah, there we go): quake. Both its occupants looked at the talking flowerpot which confirmed their suspicions (vitamins ARE a waste of money ("told you!" exclaims cockroach) and that it was 8:00pm) this fact could only mean one thing! Not Armageddon, not the end of the world it was, (oh no, not again!), Cinderella's night to go to the ball, and they were being temporarily evicted from their warm abode, so that she may make a stylish entrance. " She does this every Thursday hissed Mustard savagely as they scrambled to the safety of a nearby abandoned microwave "word is she has a wobbly chin" "what like a double chin?" enquired the cockroach intrigued "nope, her face is just shaped like the edge of a barbecue flavoured crinkle cut chip (not the salt and vinegar ones, they're noxious enough to corrode a hole straight through ones tongue)". "That jam jars going sick at a lady bug over there" pointed out the potato, which had fled the slowly transforming pumpkin behind them. There was a somewhat shocked silence as Mustard and Roachie appreciated the fact that the object upon which they had been reclining for the past decade had somewhere along the line discovered and acquired the power of speech. The cockroach dusted down his smoking jacket ("look at this dirt, it simply must be drycleaned") while thinking of a way to ask the potato how the blimming heck it had learnt to talk. The potato which had also turned psychic (go the whole yard, shall we not?) and was wearing a purple midriff top answered "you left me to sit in front of Jerry Springer long enough that one day when I was regaling a trailer park-er I stopped mid-rant to notice that I had actually become able to rant" thus and ergo, children, the moral of the story is that Jerry Springer is negative reinforcement for couches (yes I know what negative reinforcement is, no I don't get it in this instance either, but for all intents and purposes we're going with it) thus and ergo, case in point, Q.E.D; Quod erat demonstrandum, or if you want to be undoubtedly posh; Quite Easily Done..... |
|
|
