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November 24 House and Highland TerriersThe chasms tretched before him, ready to engulf his tiny body, should he set one step forward, he was so close, yet so far, Chief Clancy Canine, was in hot pursuit of Feline Fine a young, sassy Cornish Rex. She had minced her way over to the other side and was now lazily taunting the law enforcement officer assured that he wouldn't be able to bridge the gap between them. There was only one thing for Clancy to do. He took out the hip flask he kept for emergencies such as this: the kids had been instructed never to touch it as the amber liquid inside held mysterious properties. Clancy swigged some of the whisky, let out a deep, hefty sigh and reached for the syringe he kept on the other side of his belt (next to the catnip, and tazer). There was only one thing for it (no I'm serious this time)! He took off the safety cap and flicked the needle to let the air bubbles out (hey, he watches House, you know, so he knows what he's doing) he grasped his tail and thrust the needle into it, plunging the the 'fight or flight' infection into it. It was a so called immaculate virus in that yeah, it messed with your insides, but it was rather neat about it. While the virus would eventually kill you as there was no antivirus, it would also give you remarkable powers of either being able to fight like a 100, 000 pound Tonka truck or fly like an American Flying squirrel (they are SOOOO cute, anyhoo, read on==>) Clancy felt that the virus' vicissitude was an acceptable price to pay in order to arrest Feline Fine as his last act, before passing away heroically to a Celine Dion number.
Clancy felt the power surging through his veins (mental image of how the Hulk transforms, but this time occurring on a West Highland Terrier) he felt invincible (we are invincible, as long as we're aliiiiive... Thank you John Mayer... at least I think thats how it goes). Clancy lept, everything went into slow motion and his wiry white body freezes above the canyon, allowing for shots from every angle and dramatic effects. A Bette Midler song is audible from some fruit bats living in a cave at the bottom of the ravine . Suitably they are singing ".....you are the wind beneath my wings." Clancy's life hangs in the balance. It's life or death (Choose LIFE!) after an eternity (everything's the same, just more highrises- oh look a flying car) Clancy's little white paws hit the ground on the other side!
Alas, the impact is too great, Clancy bounces astray, falling, falling. He grips a shrub with his teeth and scrambles with all his might. Feline Fine watches on contemptuously. Clancy cant take it anymore, the virus' miraculous effects are wearing off, and he plummets to earth, sending up a dust cloud when he lands which hits Feline in the face! She becomes disorientated, trying to dislodge all the dirt, now clouding her vision. She takes a wrong step, realising only too late what she has done and tries to correct her steps.... but its over, she falls over the edge, right on top of the poor deceased Clancy. But whats this? The impact of her falling on him has resuscitated Clancy (the same way as doctors sometimes thump your chest to get your heart going again- House all the way!). He groggily crawls out from under her and is only able to cuff a dazed Feline Fine and arrest her for felony dukedom, before passing out and being taken back to his kennel to recuperate. November 20 The bald truthWorked at the newsagency again today; am getting a feel for the regulars (get your minds out of the gutters). While we do have the same assortment of insanely annoying people who pay for a $2.95 thing with a fifty dollar note or who just grunt "$2" at you when you try and see what paper or magazine they have (I wanna know WHAT you've got, and then I tell YOU how much it costs, not the other way round buddy) I shall leave the categorising to Azukar. No, we have some people that come in all the time that are regulars that I'm getting used to, but today there was this guy (not a regular) who came in who may have been in denial about his mid-life crisis. But credit awarded for most unique bald patch cover up, ever.
Some people go the comb-over, some people shave their heads (oh no, I'm not bald, I CHOOSE to be this way), some people overcompensate by growing a moustache. This guy had over-compensated, in a way, oh yes, but he didn't grow a moustache, oh no; he grew an Afro. Yes, an afro. As far as cover-ups go it was pretty effective. I didn't really notice the patch till later, cos the fluffy afro bit kinda covered it, but wow, camouflage with a vengeance. Camouflage in style, damnit. November 19 Saturday Night Fever"Got myself into some trouble tonight," the man sighed to the cops as he was arrested. Dennis McLeland had a history of criminal behaviour. Never anything violent, but he had been arrested so many times the local police officers Jack and Robert had his name and address memorized and tonight as the policemen started to read him his rights Dennis could recite the rest back to them "Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, you have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one, one will be provided for you..." "You took the words right outta my mouth" sighed Jack to himself, "Ah, I've been in this job too long" he muttered to Robert as he helped Dennis into the back of the police car. Tonight Dennis had been caught red handed trying to set fire to a gnome in someones front garden. Fortunately it turns out that the kind of plaster wasn't flammable.
"What's the matter with you Jack?, you've been distracted all day, and I'm sorry but you're becoming a liability!" exclaimed Robert over the noise of the car engine as they drove to the police station. Rob shot his partner a murderous glare "Guess I'm just feeling blue, but it wouldn't hurt you to be a little more supportive! I've been your partner twenty- nine years and you could just try and understand that I'm burnt out, I need a break! I gotta be cool, relax, get hip, get on my track, take a backseat, hitchhike, take a long long ride on my motorbike!" wailed Jack as they lead Dennis all the way into the police station. "All right, you loony, quiet down" hissed Rob.
They were inside the station now, and were starting to attract stares from the other officers. Out of the corner of his eye Robert noticed Dennis showing the desk sergeant supposed to be booking him in pictures of his high- school sweetheart Kathleen whom he had just married. " She looked much older then, she had turned 17" he whispered hurriedly as he saw Jack and Rob approaching to break up the party. The Desk sergeant catching the look on Rob's face quickly lead Dennis to a waiting room. Just then Jack saw the Lieutenant striding down the hallway. Jack called out to him, and the lieutenant did a swift u-turn and headed back the way he had come. "Lietenant Jones! I wanted to talk to you sir!" called Jack to his boss' retreating back. Jones sensing that he was going to have to face this conversation sooner or later allowed his steps to slow. "What is it Jack?" he asked" Step into my ofice."
"I'm tired sir, I need a break" burst out Jack
" Well then take a holiday, you dont need to leave," replied the Lieutenant, but he could tell he was defeated.
"Take this badge off'a me, I can't use it anymore,sir, I feel I'm knocking on heavens door" sighed Jack, tears in his eyes.
"For gods sake,wipe your eyes, be a man for me!" snarled the lieutenant, " Hit the road Jack, And dont you come back no more!"
"Dennis McLeland!" Outside, a loud voice boomed from the direction of reception. Kathleen McLeland had arrived to bail out her hubby. "What on earth have you done now?!"
"He lit up a garden gnome" an officer explained to her.
" Dennykins, I'm ashamed of you! How could you?!" she shrieked, startling several teenagers passing the police station. Through the paper thin walls her husband replied "But Kathleen, I did it for you! Remember how you always say "Our love is a flame, burnin' within"? Well I did the gnome to prove my love! You give me fever, when you kiss me, and I burn for you."
"Your head's always in the clouds," raged an exasperated Kathleen. "I didn't sign on for a pyromaniac Dennis! There must be fifty ways to leave your lover, and torching gnomes did not make it onto the list! What were you thinking?"
"You may say I'm a dreamer, Kathleen, but i'm not the only one, and I did it my way."
"Oh, Dennis really." sighed Kathleen as the desk sergeant released her shamefaced husband.
"You know what Kathleen?"
"What Dennyknis?"
" All the time you were calling, I kept thinking 'listen to your heart, when she's calling for you, and i'm not strong enough to live without you, or strong enough that I'd quit crying'....." November 14 Do you speak box Azukar?Hyped up on sugar, the audience watched with bated breath, a hushed silence falling over the crowd, watching the action at the .....back of the theatre. As they swivelled in their seats, their third corona (they all drank simultaneously, you see) left a bitter aftertaste in their collective mouths. Just then there was a loud bang and a cat fell from the ceiling, (for no particular reason), with a delirious look on its feline face, warbling "he shall 'hic' beeee mine 'hic' and he shallllll be, my squeeshy, 'hic'" and wearing a parachute on which was emblazoned "meooooww, rahhhh, hishhhhhhh, raaaaw" roughly translated of course, meaning "look at the door", upon which the audience promptly turned to look at the theatre entrance, through which burst a rather skinny version of Pavarotti (skinny comparatively, but still on the large side) he was just beginning to explain in a very persuasive marketing manager voice exactly how Fabrizio's plumbing was bringing sexy back when from behind the stage curtain there came an ominous noise, a shrieking noise, like a banshee only a major 2nd off-key. Everyone looked skyward (for reasons unknown) and through the nice, perfectly cat-and-parachute shaped hole in the ceiling a hazy corona of a different kind was visible. On the screen a ghostly hand was inscribing "Corona extra- imported from mexico" (a dodgy attempt at a subliminal message as because everyone was looking at the roof, no-one really noticed- major waste of marketing funds, kiddies). Suddenly the giant cinema screen errupted into life behind the writing, which come to think of it no-one really noticed. A dragon in the front row was having a hard time following the plot line so he turned to the only man he could trust, the one, the only, scaly leopard-print clad scholar next to him who was munching on a chilli (as you shold in times of need). The scholar's face was obscured by a peculiar but particularly fetching black mask and in response to his dragon friends incessant questioning all he would reply was a mysterious "Az-man, I am your father........." November 13 Herm-ey's cooking adventuresthere's been a coupl'a kitchen mishaps lately; catapulted some spinach off of the counter and made a lovely though unintentional abstract artwork on the floor (to match the one in hair dye on the loungeroom carpet- different story, moving along), and also discovered u can burn rice. Who knew? I must say I'm sure it was knowledge that I could've lived without considering there are now little grain of rice shaped melted denty bits in the rice cooker, a burning smell lingered in the kitchen for a few hours and the rice came out in a solid block with an arty little charcoal bit on one side. I must admit I thought of turning it (the burnt charcoal rice cake) into a clock ala the fish tank one I made not that long ago (not an actual fish tank) but same general principles) also, while we're on the creativity front I am turning the pink fairy wings from muck- up day into butterfly, using some old huge woollen socks as the body. The socks are so far being used as snakes complete with googly eyes (I seem to recall one was called Helsinki- why are all good names beginning with 'H'?) So there's nott really much of a stretch from snake to butterfly body is there? And it shouldnt be too mach trouble to afffix them to the wingsI en intend thereby meaning I didnt completely waste all tha time transforming 4 coat hangers, elastic, ribbon, tights and food colouring into wings for one day. Once its all rigged up I intend to suspend it from the roof of this room where I sit right now which is not my bedroom, but thats not to say it wont be, eventually. I'm also thinking about making a coupla more butterflies say in different colours, so theres not just one giant random butterfly strung up on the roof.
I have three giant socks so maybe 2 more butterflies. We shall see. If it eventuates, there SHALL be pictures, just so u can see the butterflies dangling from the roof...
That was a freaking long entry to tell you all, that wont even care that I'm gonna attack a sock stuffed with nespaper to coathangers covered in tights, but I care so there.
Oh also thinking of converting the old computer screen, when I say old I mean like ANCIENT into a fishtank, or at least investigating it. THough this probably wont happen. November 09 A dragon named sober XThe young but exceptionally smart, talented and beautiful girl stopped picking wild flowers in the meadow suddenly. An object lying in the grass had caught her attention... but what was it? where had it come from? She ran over to investigate, while her faithful pony grazed on grass beside her. It was a scrap of paper and in barely legible handwriting was scribed "Mail delivery unsuccessul". What on earth did that mean she wondered? Being the wonderfully optimistic and resilient girl she is, she resolved to continue picking flowers and later return to her million dollar mansion with harbour views. But what was that? Another scrap of paper lying in the grass! This was getting creepy. She picked it up and was barely able to decipher the words "Paris Hilton & Nicole Richie." This was getting a bit strange so the girl resolved to set off home at once and began saddling her pony. Just as she had thrown the saddle blanket over the horse there was a loud theatrical bang, a puff of smoke, and a dragon appeared! I was at least eight feet tall and was Orange with purple stripes, exactly like a zebra. His appearance would have been comical, save for the mouthful of razor sharp teeth the monster so obviously possessed, and the demonic gleam in its red, multi-pupiled eyes. It gave a feral roar and came at her, covering the six feet hetween them in a single stride. The girl cowered before him, her life, and all her computer documents flashing before her eyes. "p- p- pPlease d-don't hurt me" she stammered and the dragon roared again and as it gnashed its teeth and flexed it's razor sharp claws, the girl noticed that the beast was wearing a knitted woolen jumper, emblazoned with the words "Sober X." Suddenly the dragon spoke! " I am not here to hurt you, my pretty," it cackled in an oddly feminine voice, "You so innocently and unwittingly opened my messages and now you shall pay the price! I am going to reduce the security settings in your house, multiply myself and using my own inbuilt SMTP will go to all your friends houses and destroy all their things too! First I will destroy your house and all your possessions- yes! and your little dog too!"
It ambled away towards her house as the girl wept piteously, feeling powerless to stop the destruction of all her wordly belongings. All of a sudden there was a flash and a handsome knight appeared from nowhere, on his trusty steed Symantec. " Did I hear piteous weeping?" he asked and seeing the girl thoroughly distraught and unable to answer, he gallantly rode up to the dragon calling " Excuse me good sir, but I'm afraid I can't allow this destruction to continue."The dragon completely unrepentant and hell bent on dstroying something replied " Oh Yeah? What're you gonna do 'bout it?" Although handsome gallant and strong as he was, the knights patience was waning so he smote the dragon smartly on the head with his lightsaber, bound and gagged him, and threw him in Sydney Harbour, from where he floated all the way to Scotland and became known as the Loch Ness monster. Meanwhile the knight and the young girl promptly fell in love, got married and had three children, two boys named Nathaniel and Claude-Sebastian respectively, and a girl as yet unnamed.
The girl returned to Melbourne University where she completed her medical degree with top marks while the knight stayed home to mind the kids, and they all lived happily ever after, after putting up a white picket fence to ensure that no weird scraps of paper can appear in their meadows ever again.
The End November 08 Proving it's not all word-saladWhilst proud of the word salad label, that is by no means all I am. I dont really have time to post right nowm so I've cheated and recycled an older entry, which u probably wont have read. I seem to remember its deep, but I dont remember if its any good or not so follow what you can, but I've no time to reread it myself. Enjoy, or not!
November 03 Wesley and BarbaraConcealed by foliage, the vase gripped the tree tightly; its face paint gleaming in the fleeting light the moon emitted. It had waited for this moment all its life, staying in hotels, brown nosing to hotel managers (its not easy for vases to pay for hotel bills, you know.). It had had to busk to earn a crust, and while its trumpet playing had improved, to be sure, it had one single solitary thought on it insane little ming mind. Revenge. Still hiding behind the tree the vase waited as the car cruised to a halt, and the owner, a blonde body builder resembling Arnold Schwarzenegger clambered clumsily out of the drivers seat. It watched warily as the man entered a nearby building. Knowing he didn't have much time, the vase carefully crept toward the stationary barina, suddenly the vase was blinded! The headlights went on, and the beam was straight in the vases eyes. But he knew what was going on. "Allright Barbara said the vase, it's between you nad me now." A gap opened between the headlights, reavealing a set of gleaming pointed teeth "prepare to die, you loser shrieked the maniacal Barbara, charging at the vase, its cooling tank steaming and for some reason spurting cold cream in all directions, "No one forces me into being a kabuki artist yelled the vase, becoming enraged and defly pulling a matrix style manouvre to avoid being beheaded by the side mirror (is there not a better name for side mirror?). Just then the Arnold Schwazenegger clone came out of the building ("see, I tol' you I'd be back!") and seeing the rampaging vehicle scolded "Bad Barina, Naughty, naughty Barina." The Barina stopped in his tracks (yes, a male Barina name Barbara), a sheepish grin plastered over its face, tail wagging. Getting into the car, Arnie paused, noticing the vase trying to be incospicuous, and become one with its surrounding chameloeon style. "Hi Wesley" he said, before slotting the key in. November 01 Exams updateYes, this is not going to be a funny one, so if thats what you're in the mood for, leave NOW.
OK, if you're still reading this, I guess you'res till here, so I'll take this opportunity to fill you in on the Exam happenings:
English: Friday 27/10/06:
Yeah, not so good. I will have done OK, but nothing like my best. It's not what you know, it's what you can show you know, and I didn't show a whole lot.
Biology: 30/10/06:
We had midyears for this and I got an A on them, so I was hoping to even improve on that this semester, and the exam was Bloody Fantastic (note the use of capital letters). No really out there questions. My favourite question? If you clone a femal cat, what gender is the clone? Bewdiful!
Psychology: 2/11/06:
Got an A+ for midyears, optimistic at this stage, I only lost 3 marks off the whole paper for the trial, so we'll see what happens. It was not as easy as midyears, but still fair; I should have done quite reasonably.
Math Methods 1: 3/11/06:
It was easier than I thought it would be but I am already aware of one mistake I made...
The rest are as follows, and I shall let you know after the fact:
Math Methods 2: 6/11/06:
See above.
Chemistry: 9/11/06:
Cautiously hopeful; Got a B last semester (midyears) but I found this semester easier, so here's hoping.
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